Dear Diary-2

I’ve come to the realization that I will never really be consistent with the whole “blog” thing and that’s ok with me. I kind of treat this like my personal diary even though I do have an actual “diary” that I write in every day. More so like a gratitude journal. As much as I want to write everything that I am feeling and thinking, these thoughts are very fragmented and random that it just does not work for me. Half the time I’m day dreaming about far off places that I want to travel, things I want to eat or replay scenarios that happened. I mean the internal monologues that I have are kind of ridiculous but kind of keep me sane since I tend to be a lone wolf and genuinely don’t know anybody that would tolerate all my thoughts, worries and scenarios.

Lately I’ve been in this really weird funk of a mood and it all stems from this comparison trap that I fall into. You would think that at 26 years old I would be wise and experienced enough to know that nothing good comes from comparing my life to others but here we are again… deep in the trenches of comparison. I don’t know if it’s because of the so called “wedding season” or because I’ve heard more than enough pregnancy announcements to last me for a couple years or because my dip in the dating scene has been a full blown let down but I’m seriously questioning and fearing  if I will be single and childless for the rest of my life.

Pheewww…. This isn’t something I like to admit and it kinds of feels like I’m letting my former “I’m an independent woman hear me roar” self down but the heart wants what the heart wants and this heart does not want to end up alone forever. It was just a couple years ago that I was saying I didn’t want kids or get married so what’s up with the 360? Who knows. Your guess is as good as mine. I know many will think that it’s a “getting older” thing but it’s not. I don’t fear getting older and I also don’t have a milestone marker on when I should get married or get pregnant. It think that I just has to do with the thought that at least by now, after having a stable job, no longer overweight and a decent personality (I mean people laugh at my jokes so if that’s not an indication, I don’t know what is) there would be SOME indication that marriage and a family were in the foreseeable future. 

And trust me, as a god fearing woman I know that it’s God’s timing not my timing. I also know that he is working behind the scenes on a plan far greater than I can imagine, but man is it  hard to stay faithful. I mean, maybe it is his plan that I stay single forever but like my human flawed self is not ok with that. 

Especially when you put yourself out there and you think this could be going somewhere and then the guy just stops communicating. Pooof. Like he was swallowed by a black hole never to be seen again.  I start thinking: Was I really that bad of a conversationist? I am really not that attractive? It’s hard to not to immediately think: What is so wrong with me that he just stops talking to me? Cool God.

Or when you meet someone else and you totally mesh. I can be my weird quirky self. He enjoys the same activities I do. I can talk endlessly without any awkward pauses and he even speaks Spanish. He makes me laugh. He encourages me and motivates me. Then you find out he has two kids and potentially a girlfriend but you’re too nervous to ask so you resign myself to knowing that it never work out.  Sigh. God’s timing, not my timing. 

And the absolute worst thing and the thing that I am most ashamed off is when I think I am better than someone else and wonder why her out of all people in the world is engaged and has a baby on the way. Yes my friends. That is when I sink to the very low of lows. When I feel mightier than thou and believe that I am worthier of this than somebody else. Ugly I tell you. Horrible trait. Something that I am whole heartedly ashamed of because I know I am only projecting my dissatisfaction onto a perfectly innocent woman. Ughhh. 

I don’t like feeling this way. It doesn’t make me a good person and it makes me feel horrible. I don’t want to wallow in despair but it kind of sucks feeling like you will be alone forever or crying when you see an engagement announcement. Yes I did cry, No it was not my proudest moment. I don’t want to do that again but it’s kind of hard not to when everyone is asking when you will be next because apparently you’re the only 26 year old that they know who is not in a serious relationship, on the road to an engagement and eventual marriage. 

Cool. 

I know this too shall pass but in the meantime you can find me listening to my melancholy playlist.