S.A. Rambles

Although I (half jokingly say) "I haven't done anything with my life" this time of the year and I am not where I would like to be, I do think some good things happened in 2018. I traveled: First to Mexico in March and then to Arkansas in October. Mexico was a firsts of many. Fist time traveling internationally. First time seeing my dad in almost two years. Physically being able to hug him, spend time with him and relearning how to be around each other. First time having an honest conversation, filled with feelings and hard truths. First time being at peace with his addiction, learning that it's a disease and nothing that I do or say will stop him from drinking. First time riding a horse and learning why he loves these animals so much. The freedom you have while riding is indescribable and not a feeling I've ever experienced. First time witnessing true poverty, lack of basic needs like water and at times food. First time experiencing TRUE gut wrenching sadne...

"It isn't that she's faking it, exactly, but part of her is always holding back"  Orphan Train   by Christina Baker Kline. I read this passage and it hit me to the core. When do we reach the point in our adulthood where we become fully accepting of who we are? The point where we are no longer putting a facade in order to conform, fit in or be liked? The point when we are comfortable being "us" and not hold back for fear of not being accepted for who we are? The point where we don't hold back and live our lives unapologetically? For some, it may take years. For others, it may come sooner rather than later. For me, I feel like I reached that point this year at the ripe age of 26. I'm no longer basing my self worth on the validation of others. I'm no longer holding back on expressing my hobbies and interests in order to seem more appealing, be more liked or conform to the norm. I am no longer apologizing for my core beliefs, values and moral...

I’ve come to the realization that I will never really be consistent with the whole “blog” thing and that’s ok with me. I kind of treat this like my personal diary even though I do have an actual “diary” that I write in every day. More so like a gratitude journal. As much as I want to write everything that I am feeling and thinking, these thoughts are very fragmented and random that it just does not work for me. Half the time I’m day dreaming about far off places that I want to travel, things I want to eat or replay scenarios that happened. I mean the internal monologues that I have are kind of ridiculous but kind of keep me sane since I tend to be a lone wolf and genuinely don’t know anybody that would tolerate all my thoughts, worries and scenarios. Lately I’ve been in this really weird funk of a mood and it all stems from this comparison trap that I fall into. You would think that at 26 years old I would be wise and experienced enough to know that nothing good comes fr...

I typed and erased this post too many times to count. My mind and thoughts are scattered with so much that I want to say but it’s hard to write into words. I still think this is important for me to at least convey to my little niche of the internet so here are my thoughts (scattered and jumbled) at what is going on with immigration at the moment.   Lately, and especially this week, I’m been feeling defeated. I actually don’t know if defeated is even the right word or if helpless is more fitting but I feel like I don’t deserve to just live my life (go to work, go to the gym, cook meals, read, binge watch Netflix….etc) when there are families being ripped apart. When there is an influx of ICE roundups in my own backyard. How can all these immigration issues be happening around me and I’m just living my normal life?!? It just doesn’t seem right.   It seems like a day doesn’t go by that I don’t read or hear about “X” number of people being detained, multiple ICE raids...

I knew from young age that my parent's relationship was not "normal"  but I didn't realize how toxic it really was until just within the past couple of years. They argued a lot, my dad drank a lot and now that I truly tried to remember, I never saw them display any form of affection towards one another.  Growing up and being around my friend's parents and families, I always wondered why my parents didn't look like that. Why did my dad not buy my mom flowers? Why did they not go on dates? Why did they not cuddle up together, give lingering hugs or affectionate kisses? Well, I'm guessing that when you know your husband is cheating on you, those types of interactions aren't welcomed or even sought after. I first learned of my dad's extramarital affairs one night when I woke up to hear my parents having a screaming match. Even from a young age I had a curious appetite. I wondered why there was so much screaming going on but instead of going to chec...

My dad and I on my last day in Mexico in the city of Purandiro.  I have so many self dialogues that it makes me feel a little less crazy to write them out on here then to simply walk around having solo conversations in my head. That's not weird at all....or so I tell myself. I mean the majority of those conversations are very introspective analysis of where I am in my life, why I am who I am and also complaining about my single status. There's basically a hamster wheel in my head and it's spinning non stop with all these thoughts but I'm outwardly supper calm and serene. I'm sure I'm not the only one that can relate to this juxtaposition.  That's also why I called this blog "S.A. rambles," because I'm basically jumping from thought A to thought B to thought C....etc without any real connections between the "thoughts" or posts. I am literally rambling, hence the name.  Lately I have been thinking about my time in Mexico and ...

Hey what's up hello. I basically treat this blog as my own personal diary because writing in an actual diary takes a) a lot more time than typing on here and b) I forget what I actually want to talk about since it takes a while for me to finish one sentence. So I guess.... Dear Diary, Here are a lot of random thoughts I've been having and/or talking to myself about: I've been getting into this new habit of going to bed early and waking up early to walk before I go in to work and let me tell you....GAME CHANGER. I feel so much more energized because I'm actually getting around 6-7 hours of sleep v. the 4 hours I was getting before and I'm walking, enjoying the chirping of the birds and the fresh air instead of   waking up first thing in the morning and scrolling through instagram. I read somewhere that every successful person has a morning routing that set their day off in the right track so I'm really trying to **actively** make a morning routine with just...

The experiences I had growing up with an addict  taught me to build walls to protect myself and build narratives that masks whatever is going on inside. For so long that mask had worked because no major event ever happened to me. Sure, I had my ups and downs in dealing with an functioning alcoholic father but nothing major that would alter who I thought I was or the life I had. It wasn't until my dad's DUI arrest, ICE detention and eventual deportation that I had to truly face my feelings, fears and the angriness had been brewing inside me for many years. I've been feeling very lost since that period because I so badly want to go back to being the person I was before and I'm having a hard time accepting  that I can no longer be that person. Just like you can't unsee something, you can't un-experience something. You can't un-hear something. You can't un-know something. I wish I could be in a Harry Potter movie so somebody could use the memory charm on...