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Comparison, Singleness and Self Doubt

Man, they are not joking when they say that comparison is the thief of joy. Not only does it cause us to become joy-less of the life we live but it also invites jealousy and self doubt to join the party.

This year more than ever, my soul craves companionship and every time I scroll through instagram or facebook and see that someone has entered into a new relationship I immediately wonder...why not me? I try to suffocate those thoughts as soon as I realize that I'm being consumed by them but it's hard. It's hard understanding why despite your desire to be in a relationship you are still not in one. It's hard not comparing yourself to others when you seem to have similar qualities yet they are the ones in a long term relationship, starting a family or already having a family. Here I am, 26 years old and the possibility of being a long term serious relationship, being married and possibly starting a family seem so unattainable and unrealistic. 

The worst part isn't the feeling of loneliness that I sometimes get or the fear of not being able to conceive in the future because of my age. No. The worst part is that I start to doubt my value and self worth. I'm intellectual, independent, funny(.....i think), caring, fearlessly loyal, and hardworking. Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm a completely flawed person and have some not so great characteristics but I do wholeheartedly believe that my positive attributes outweigh some of my flawed characteristics. 

Not only do I start doubting if I'm a "good enough" person but I immediately start being overly critical of my physical appearance. In fact, that is the first thing I go to. Body issues is something that I deal with, especially as someone who grew up overweight the majority of her life and dealt with a slew of comments like "earthquake coming" about the way I look. I still struggle with issues of insecurity even after losing weight so when I get rejected or dismissed by a guy, I will 9/10 blame the way I look.

"Am I too muscular? too fat? Do I have too much acne? Yes, definitely, it's my face. Is it because I'm not tall enough? or maybe because I have really thick thighs. No, it's probably because I'm not someone who wears makeup or dress up. Maybe if I just lost a little weight and was skinnier then someone could possibly ask me out. "

I mean it's exhausting to have those similar thoughts over and over again. I wish that I didn't' have them or that I didn't diminish my self worth but I do. And I know how ridiculous I sound when there are bigger problems in the world but I can't keep these feelings out. It's hard but it's something that I'm working on.

I don't want to be an envious or bitter because I'm not in a relationship. Honestly I don't know if there is a solution to my sentiments but I do know that I need to stop comparing myself and start acknowledging that I am a worthy person of love.

All I know is that I am praying really hard to God that he allows me to trust the plan he has for me and know that if I'm meant to be in a relationship then it will be at his time and not mine.

I want to be Jesus when he says " Abba father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36 (NIV)

I'm asking for him to take my cup, the fear of being alone forever, from me.

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