Although I (half jokingly say) "I haven't done anything with my life" this time of the year and I am not where I would like to be, I do think some good things happened in 2018.
I traveled:
First to Mexico in March and then to Arkansas in October.
Mexico was a firsts of many. Fist time traveling internationally. First time seeing my dad in almost two years. Physically being able to hug him, spend time with him and relearning how to be around each other. First time having an honest conversation, filled with feelings and hard truths. First time being at peace with his addiction, learning that it's a disease and nothing that I do or say will stop him from drinking. First time riding a horse and learning why he loves these animals so much. The freedom you have while riding is indescribable and not a feeling I've ever experienced. First time witnessing true poverty, lack of basic needs like water and at times food. First time experiencing TRUE gut wrenching sadness (from seeing how hard it is to live in Mexico) juxtaposed with the heart warming happiness of spending and doing thing with my dad.
Out of all the things this year. the trip to Mexico changed me the most. I've always heard of the how difficult it was to live in Mexico but for the first time I was able to witness the conditions of life there. Seeing all this made me hypersensitive to the plight of immigrants and understanding why families would chose to immigrate illegally and seek asylum in the U.S. I became more vocal in discussions of immigration reform and the policies that came once the President took office. I am no longer afraid to make people uncomfortable when I speak up against their bigoted, racial and xenophobic views.
This in turn made me hyperaware of white privilege. I always knew it existed by this was the year I took the mask off and acknowledge my own complicity in accepting and not questioning some of these privileges. I sought out to educate myself in what I can do to diversify what I read, whom I buy from and even who I am sending my money to. I believe that I have an obligation to speak up and against injustices. It's hard but lack of knowledge is not an excuse for refusing to call out injustice. silence is complicitiness.
Arkansas was just a whirlwind. It was non stop from the moment I go there to the moment I left. I had so much fun just spending time with family that I normally don't spend time with and it was nice getting to see a side I normally don't see. I got to see my cousins that I hadn't seen in 10+ years. My cousin got married and I got to see what true love between two people looks like, making me shed endless tears of happiness for them and the hope that one day I can find that as well. Arkansas was just a feel good trip.
I went to three concerts:
Saw the gingy- Ed Sheeran in August
My dream came true when I got to see Beyonce and Jay Z in September. The BEST concert I have been to and the most fun I've had. They put on an epic show and it was just a giant dance party.
Saw my boo Drake in October and nearly died. He is even more gorgeous in person. He can literally melt me in a .001 seconds with his voice and looks. Another good concert.
I ate my weight in bread and pastries. Discovered new places like Cafe Ficelle in Ventura and revisited old favorites like 85 degrees bakery and Portos. Ate the best BREAD of my life in Mexico (no joke, had like 5 every day) and I regret not smuggling in 100s loaves with me because I dream of eating one every day.
Relaxed the reigns on counting macros. This year I was more free with my food choices. I didn't weigh everything that went to in my mouth. I was less hesitant of eating out and cooking things that I did not know the macros to. My relationship with food definitely improved from last year which in turn improved my anxiety around situation out of my control.
For the time I felt truly confident in my skin. I stopped hating my body for not looking how I wanted it too look and started to fully embrace myself. A subtle transformation began to take place and I slowly evolved into being confident in what I wore and how I carried myself. I still have my days but man does it feel good to not step on the scale every day and pick apart your body.
This quote never rang more true than where I am today:
“For what it’s worth … it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
so.... I took the plunge and I am pursuing something that has been a dream of mine. Was hella nervous to begin this long journey but very excited. Thanks to my friend who held a vision of my success as much as her own. I owe this journey to her and the constant push to pursue it.
I read 22 books this year, exceeding my goal of 20! I am giving myself a pat on the back since they were all borrowed from the library and it showed me I could go (almost) a year without buying books. Favorites were: The Map of Salt and Stars, A Gentleman in Moscow, Station Eleven (so freaking good), Panchiko, and Small Great Things. I rated all of my read books on my goodreads account https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/51268024-susanna-arroyo
Lastly, I began a fully committed relationship with God. I strive to live life in line with His word and He has brought an inner peace that I've never felt before. I still struggle. There are times where I chose to center my life around things I created, like my career, experiences, home and possessions but I quickly find myself feeling empty. I learned that God is the only one that can be both my need and want. Most importantly, through my relationship with God, I know there is nothing about me that God did not already intimately planned and prepare. My purpose has been known since before the beginning of time. He is always with me no matter how unequipped I feel and no matter how unsure I am. I trust (although admittedly not all the time) in his plan.
This year has been good and even though I feel sad that I still haven't met someone I can see myself marrying and starting a family, I cling to this passage with the hope that God is just making me wait for the person he has in store for me..
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
Goodbye 2018.
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